On being “too much”
Have you ever been told, that you’re simply “too much”? Did it make you feel confused and hurt? Did you then attempt to understand what it meant, only to hear (or read) from others, that it was not you, who was the problem, but rather that other person, who gave you this unpleasant label?
Well, I have. I felt all of those — confused, hurt, and misunderstood. And only years later, after I experienced the receiving end of people, who were “too much”, I suddenly had an epiphany — yes, it is real, and there are actions people can take to change it. There can probably be many reasons for someone to say, that a person is “too much”, so I do not want to pretend, that I have all the answers. But I believe, there is a good chance, that some of you can relate to my description, and maybe even find the advice useful.
Not all of us were raised in a secure and encouraging environment. In a healthy home, a child is taught to self-soothe. They learn from their parents, that unpleasant emotions — such as anger, or sadness — are normal, and that there are healthy strategies to get back to the “feeling good” state. Unfortunately, not all children are lucky enough to have such an upbringing. It does not necessarily mean, that their parents had ill intentions. It might be that the parents themselves did not know any better or did not have enough time or energy to manage their kids’ emotional state. Sometimes, there are also cases of abuse. Whatever the reason, sadly, many children grow up with unhealthy coping mechanisms. And one of them can be — emotional dependency.
How do you react when you are upset, anxious, or when something annoying happens? What do you do, when you feel insecure? We are being encouraged by society to reach out to others for help, and while being social in times of crisis is absolutely healthy, it can also be “too much”. In times of personal crisis or when we suffer from deeply-rooted emotional deficits from our upbringing, this healthy sharing can grow into something overwhelming, and definitely unhealthy.
In a typical crisis situation there are three roles — a perceived “oppressor”, (sometimes being a real person like a mean boss, and other times just being something abstract like an institution, or a streak of bad luck), a “victim”, and a “rescuer”. I borrowed these terms from Karpman’s “Drama Triangle” theory, and they neatly describe how the healthy need for emotional support can become “too much”.
When the “victim” experiences problems from the “oppressor”, they reach out to their “rescuer”. The needed “rescue” might often be a simple act of a conversation focused on the “victim’s” emotions. The two types of emotional sharing are commonly known as “venting”. An act of healthy venting is focused on one topic at a time and is generally solution-oriented. The unhealthy venting is also called “emotional dumping”, and is as unpleasant for the receiver, as it sounds.
Those victims who practice “emotional dumping” do not want solutions, they rather want to be heard. And while sometimes, e.g. when we grieve, it is only natural to seek a kind ear, emotional dumping can become addictive to those, who can not self-regulate their emotions on a daily basis. These types of people can feel overwhelmed by their difficult emotions and not knowing what to do with them, they end up dumping them onto a kind friend, and sometimes even a stranger. And while at first, it might bring them relief, in the long run, it can cause a lot of damage.
First and foremost, emotional dumping can be extremely exhausting for the “rescuer”, who is the person on the receiving end of such a session. Those listeners can start considering someone as “too much” if they did not set the boundaries early enough and became absolutely overwhelmed with other people’s emotions. So while the victim might enjoy the benefits of this one-sided situation, they might start losing friends and close ones in the long run, if their unhealthy venting crosses other people’s boundaries.
The rescuer’s exhaustion does not necessarily come just from the act of listening to other people’s problems. I believe, most of us are empathetic and kind beings, who want to help those in need. However, when the victim focuses mainly on the difficult emotions, rather than the solutions, rejects any advice, and is not able to change the topic for long — they take the agency away from the rescuer. A healthy venting session is like a conversation — it should be two-sided. If the rescuer can offer valuable advice (with it being reflected on, not just dismissed), both sides of the session feel equally important and heard. If however, the rescuer is diminished to the role of a sounding board, they can experience feelings of helplessness and growing resentment.
Another problem with emotional dumping is — that even though it seemingly helps the victim, it actually perpetuates the situation that caused all the unpleasant feelings in the first place. While venting, the person ruminates on the pains of life, instead of learning to solve those, that are solvable and accept those, that are permanent.
Some might be offended by my words. Is it not the purpose of friendship — to allow each other to “throw up” those difficult emotions? Those raised in families with unhealthy attachments might feel like yes, that is why they have friends. Nonetheless, while a good friendship should offer support in need, venting should not be its primary goal.
Sometimes, though, we do need to be heard. I definitely have been in situations like that. Moreover, I am writing this as a recovering “venter” but also as a “ventee” learning to set boundaries. Let us imagine, we are in trouble at work. There are no solutions, that we would want to hear. It is a difficult situation, and all we can do is somehow get through it. How do we do that, without hurting our relationships? Keep it all in?
If we have already shared those feelings with our friends, and we notice ourselves coming back to them over and over due to the same issue, or if we feel like every day is just an endless streak of bad luck, here are some potential solutions I found helpful:
- Therapy — in my opinion, everyone should try it, at least once. It can be tough to find time, money, and a good professional, I get it. But do it, seriously, it is worth your effort. Some people dismiss therapy as useless because of an assumption, that a therapist would just listen to them and tell them “Everything will be okay”. A psychologist listens, but a good therapist (a different profession than a psychologist) will give you some self-reflective homework and challenge your thinking in ways, that will help you grow.
- Journaling — this is actually backed by science. Journaling can even be used as a tool to deal with trauma. A piece of paper, a notebook, notes on your phone, or a new text document on your computer can take in all those difficult feelings you are dealing with, and it will never be overwhelmed. If you feel, like you really need some empathetic feedback, e.g. “I’m so sorry you feel this way”, try writing a letter to yourself. It can be an email or a conversation with yourself on a messaging app. Write your feelings, send them, then read them and respond as you would to a friend. Then, read your own response. You can also make journaling into a daily practice. Many start their days with three “morning pages” or write a “brain dump” before bed. It can even improve the quality of your sleep.
- Mindfulness — no, it is not just a fancy hip new trend. We all of course know that some types of mindfulness, such as meditation or prayer, have been present in humanity for thousands of years. There is a good reason for that. Our brains need a break. They need this sacred quiet time. It can be difficult to find it, but even a few minutes of guided meditation with an app can give you more emotional capacity to deal with your problems in the long run. My favorite is the “Waking Up” app (not affiliated in any way), but sometimes I also meditate without any aids. If you are religious, a feeling of getting closer to god will be an added value for you.
- Alone time — it might feel scary to spend some time alone when you are not in the best place emotionally, but it can actually do wonders. Think of something you love doing, but usually invite others to join, because you would feel awkward alone. It can be having dinner at a restaurant, seeing a movie in the cinema, going to a sauna, or enjoying a nice walk in the forest. Extra points for time spent outside in nature. Make an effort not to call or text anybody and definitely do not scroll on your phone while you are alone. Set a fixed timeframe of e.g. 1 hour, if it feels overwhelming to be alone for a long time.
- Confrontation — I noticed that if I keep ruminating on a conversation with someone and keep wanting to vent about that person over and over, it usually means I did not say to them what I truly wanted to. Try to confront the person and tell them your truth, in a kind and soft way. If that is impossible, e.g. because they are your boss, or even the softened truth comes out too harsh (e.g. “you are incompetent and I should be your boss”), try writing a letter to that person. Make sure to describe all your true thoughts, and most importantly — feelings. Do not send it or show it to anybody. The point is to set yourself free in a secure space.
In the end, sometimes we all feel down, struggling with some problems, and our friends and loved ones will be happy to support us if we express care for their emotional states. And after some time we may arrive at a point where we can solve most of our problems by ourselves, without need of external help. Remember, that nobody changes overnight, and treat yourself with patience while implementing the advised tools. And most importantly, whenever you feel like a victim try asking yourself: “What can I do about it?”. Your answers will lead you to the truth and real relief.
